


Deteriorating

by milkxysuffers



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Bullied for all mentioned, Gay, Hinata is a ball of sunshine, Homophobia, Kageyama is Depressed, M/M, Mental wreck, Suicide, angsty af, bullied, but is he too late?, he wants to die, highschool, im sorry, iwa chan hates him for it, kags parents are awful to him!, lonely, not sorry, oikawa is an asshole, prepare your tissues, realizzes something is up, self harms, wants to be friends
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-07
Updated: 2017-08-08
Packaged: 2018-11-30 08:35:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11459946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/milkxysuffers/pseuds/milkxysuffers
Summary: Kageyama Tobio is a normal teenage boy except the fact that he is depressed, lonely and self harms.He knows what he is doing to himself and he knows how and what got him to this state but he can't escape his pride and admit to anyone, except someone. But when this someone finds out about Kageyama's mental state is he too late, as has the misfortune of seeing Kageyama through his worst. He wants to help him, but how?But will Kageyama stay around to receive the help the person is willing to give?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> First of all I would like to apologize for putting the precious blueberry through so much pain and suffering but I had to do it. 
> 
> Second of all, it will be angsty af and I just want to say that there will be a lot of sensitive topics in this story so be warned! Each warning will be in the notes of that triggering chapter. 
> 
> Lastly, enjoy this emotional rollercoaster with me, because I honestly don't know what will be happening. I'm just going with the vibe of the story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a pilot chapter. So this means that it will be short. However the next chapter will be longer - at least 3000 words minimum. 
> 
> [Warning! - This chapter will be covering homophobia. If any of this makes you sad or uncomfortable, then don't read or take caution reading! You have been warned!].

**[ 1 ]**

 

If I am hurting so much, then **why am I still alive?**

This is a question that I ask myself on daily basis without fail.

It hurts so much to ask such a question, but I first saw it as a coping mechanism. A way to think about the things I am grateful for. But it ended up turning into a session of self deprecation and sadness. This dislike to my life just made me _**depressed**_.

 

**~**

 

I started to pick up on stale emotions during my last year of middle school.

You see that was when I was on the Kitagawa Daiichi volleyball team. That was also when my supposed team mates marked me as the "king of the court". I didn't like being called that, because it was never meant in a nice manner. It was meant in a cruel and mean way. A way that started to affect my pride.

It felt like my pride was an already carved statue, but was being chipped away at. Piece by piece until no more of it.

Some may argue that I had this coming as I was horrible to my team mates, and that I didn't make them feel welcome; but my counter argument is that they never made me feel **welcome**.

 

I had no friends to hang out with.

I had no team mates to go to.

I had a treasured senpai, but he nearly landed a punch on my face.

 

_**I had no one...** _

It sounds rude to say that, as people always bring my parents to the equation, but I never see them. They divorced when I was eleven and are both on a very hectic work schedule. I live with my mum but I don't, if you know what I mean.. Like she's home at night sleeping if not on a business trip but she's so tired that she doesn't speak to me that much except from asking the same questions.

"How was school today?"

"Are you doing your homework?"

"Do you make sure you eat?"

_**etc, etc, etc...** _

**The same bullshit, in other words.**

On the other hand, my dad has started up another family with someone else, so he doesn't really contact me anymore. He just pays money into my savings account each month, for some sort of compromise or apology. Yet again, more bullshit!

 

I just wish I had someone to speak to instead of having the constant reminder of quietness ringing through my head.

I just wish I had someone who will show me some love and happiness and treat me like a human being instead of an infected monster.

 

**~**

 

By the time I had finished my last year in middle school I was a mental wreck. I was severly depressed and stopped showing up at volleyball practise. I loved volleyball and hated to miss sessions, but they didn't want me there. _I would always remind myself that._

It's not like they see me as a team mate as I am the so called "king of the court" who is too mighty for them. It hurt me to think that a second bunch of people didn't want me and was pushing me away, but I've accustomed to this now, so its nothing new.

Anyways I have my friend called loneliness and depression waiting for me a home so its _ **alright**_.

 

I remember that on my last week of middle school I only showed up twice. There was no point in coming in every day to just be pushed to the side. Its not like my mum would care as she is too busy probably fucking her boyfriend that she has tried to keep hidden from me. I'm not stupid and I can tell that she is dating someone. The smell of a very strong aftershave is smelt all over and her clothes. It pollutes the house, which makes me uncomfortable as I prefer the smell of my never ending sadness and milk. To back up my conclusion of her dating someone, I saw like three love bites on her neck. All dark purple and grey which contrasted with her pale yet slightly tanned skin and black hair. If you ask me, she is with a guy and they are probably all she can think about now. (Before you ask questions about why I assume she is dating a guy, then it's because **she is homophobic** ; so why would she be dating a girl?)

 

**~**

 

On the very last day of middle school, I actually bothered to go in. I remember that day very vividly still even though it was two weeks ago. I have nightmares of that day, so it would make sense that's why I cant stop remembering it. Anyway, I remember walking to school by myself, stuck in my depressive and lonely thoughts until I got into the school yard. I headed into the main building to change my shoe wear, and then I was confronted by the people from the volleyball team. It was all of the people in my year plus some second years.

I honestly didn't know what was going to happen so I started to change my shoes. That is when I started to hear the snickering. That is when I felt dark eyes glaze into my slender frame. That is when the fucking ridiculous turnip head, kindaichi steps forward and mutters out a sentence:

"I heard that the king of the court isn't like the same as us". He glanced to the others behind him. "I heard that the king doesn't know what normal is". He smiled at me. I stared back at him confused. I just wanted to get this day over with as I really couldn't be bothered, so I started to walk to my side. the side next to the shoe shelves.

He put an arm out to stop me from moving further, and clearly spoke out: "I heard that you Kageyama, are one of those disgusting gays". My eyes widened and I felt all colour fall from my face. How did he know? How did this person of all people know that piece of information, I only told one person and that was... Oikawa. That piece of shit!! why did he... why did he tell him? That was confidential information. I trusted him, until he nearly landed a punch on my face, but I thought that was just because of the stress of trying to get into the highschool that he always wanted to go to. Not because he actually wanted to _hurt me?!_

At this moment I wanted to punch him yet run away and cry. But I didn't want to show any emotion so I just pushed through his barricade of an arm. The others sneered and started to speak quietly which sounded more like a chant: " Kags is gayy, kags is gay, Kags is gayy..." Another person spoke up but spoke with minimal sound, "I wonder if he wants to get fucked by a guy? Well probably, yeah because that's all what gays think about right? fucking each other over and over like rabbits..." The few second years just chanted in with, "disgusting!" "eww, stay away from me you freak!". 

I felt anger rush through my blood, yet all I could think of is how I just wanted to run and cry.

Cry and cry and cry until I couldn't cry anymore.

Kindaichi spoke up, "I wonder if he watched us when we changed for practise... I wonder if he ever wanted to fuck us, like did you dream about that? You probably did because _**you're not normal!"**_

 

By now there was a small circle of people  gathering in the changing area. They was curious to see what was happening. I just wanted to disappear into the ground and die. No one knew and I didn't want anyone to know. I was closeted and safe.

The group of students started whispering among themselves. The few third years carried on their chant: "Kags is gayy, kags is gay, Kags is gayy...".The second years kept on muttering out disgust and the fucking turnip head spoke louder and louder, drawing more attention, "Everyone! The socially awkward idiot is gay! Isn't he disgusting? I think he watches us when we change for volleyball practise.? I wonder if he thinks about us in a lewd way?" Some of the crowd sneered some walked away.

I pushed away from the crowd and ran away.

I kept running and running and running and running...

Until I realized that I wasn't on the school grounds anymore. I was far away from school. It took me a few minutes to realize where I was, but I was just the gate to my house.

Even though I didn't feel no love or compassion from my parents, I felt safe in my own home. However, I felt even safer in my bedroom. It was my haven away from the outside world and uncaring parents. A place where I could express my real emotions, study/ do homework, _**be lonely**_ , watch volleyball videos and _**be depressed**_. I sound flippant to say that, but it's true.

 

**~**

 

I was now in my bedroom, still in my school uniform and crying on the floor. I was just curled up, pushing my raw tear stained face into my cute milk carton plushie; sobbing all my pain away. It hurt me to think that people who are supposed to be team mates and sportsman, were like that. It also hurt me that no one wanted to break up the bully circle that I was in this morning. It hurt to think that so many people knew something that I had kept hidden to myself for three years!

 

**I just wanted to die.**

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A continuation of feelings and emotions from the first chapter.  
> (I'm sorry for the train wreck of emotions).
> 
> [Warning! This chapter will contain graphic depictions of self harm and graphic description of blood. If any of this upsets you, or makes you uncomfortable; then please don't read! If you do decide to read, then read with caution! You have been warned!]

**[ 2 ]**

 

I awoke from my slumber to feel blank. It was now dark outside and the house was still empty, but at least I had my _never ending depression to keep me company._

I sighed loudly and cuddled my plushie harder. It was the only thing that I had kept from when I was a toddler. It still had a comforting smell of milk on it and I didn't feel ashamed of still owning it. Because of this small item, I had about managed to survive my supressed emotions. Well, at least up until this moment.

I remembered what had happened earlier and felt like **I wanted to scream**. I was no longer curdled up on the floor but sitting up with crossed legs on my carpeted floor.

 

My head fell back, making my straight black hair drop in the same direction. My mouth opened and tears flooded out of my eyes. **I wanted to scream** but nothing came out. Just the haggard breaths from my crying and dirty, ugly tears.

As the tears fell from my swollen dark red eyes, I remembered the chanting, the sneering, the awful comments, the glaring eyes, the... the... I clutched onto my plushie a little harder, trying to push out the sweet calming aroma of milk.

_It didn't work._

 

**~**

 

I must of blanked out, I thought to myself as I pushed my slender body of the carpeted ground. I was still in my school uniform and my hair was a mess.

Sighing, I also realized I was home alone. It was deadly silent but I liked it. It also allowed me to be myself fully; which is _**lonely**_. As I sighed again, I became agitated with my current presentation. I was still in my ugly school uniform and my hair was a mess. Even though I felt shitty about myself, I still wanted to keep clean and presentable; as in attempts to make myself look like I'm not _suffering and mentally pained._

So I quickly decide to shower.

 

When I got inside the bathroom, I got a look at my face from the huge mirror glued to the tiled wall. My face was awful looking. My eyes where small and puffy and I seemed to have long pink lines down both sides of my cheeks. I was shocked to see this, as I did't remember them being there before... Until I realised my episode of emotions from very late last night. The memories came flooding back into my mind again and I dropped to the ground. Well I was more squatting and my hands were on my head as in means of a way to protect yourself.

" Kags is gayy, kags is gay, Kags is gayy..." The chant ringed through my head. The chant ringed through my fucking head like a child's nursery rhyme.

I felt small and I felt that I was been circled around. I also heard the voice of the ringleader, Kindaichi: "I wonder if he watched us when we changed for practise... I wonder if he ever wanted to fuck us, like did you dream about that? You probably did because _**you're not normal!"**_

I felt breathless and nauseas as the last three words echoed through my ears, _**"You're not normal!" .**_

 

My hands moved from my head and trailed down to my cheeks. I stroked the scratch marks with my fingertips once then clawed at the marks.

 _Once, twice, thrice._ I kept clawing at my face. I don't know why I was so intent on doing this, but it somehow made me feel better. Also the crowd of people that I must of imagined disappeared. I didn't feel like I was suffocating anymore and stopped hurting myself. I pulled my hands away from my face and saw blood. The bright scarlett stained in my very short nails and on the tips of my fingers. It didn't make me feel sick or uneasy, but pleased. _I felt pleased that I had hurt myself so much that, I had drawn blood from my own face._ Some might call me sick to think that, but I generally felt pleased to know that this small  action stopped the demons from hurting me.

 

I stood up to be faced to a slightly bloodied face. I t didn't bother me but I felt unsatisfied with myself. So I pulled out the draw of the sink and started to rummage around. I kept on rummaging through  the messy draw until I came across what I was looking for. The packet of razors that my mum used. I didn't use them as I didn't need to but now I did and I finally had a purpose for using it.

I took it out of the packet and held it in my rough hands; and walked towards the shower. My bathroom was small so it took one stride to get to it.

When I was in the shower I put the temperature setting to the hottest and stood underneath the powerful sprinkle of water. The water didn't feel uncomfortable as I felt like all the stale emotions that I felt was being washed of my body. I felt happy and placed the razor down to the side as I started to wash myself with my cinnamon body wash.

However, this clean feeling wasn't enough. As I breathed in the steamy surrounding air, I picked up the pink coloured plastic handle of the razor and slowly took of the plastic safety cap. The boiling water hit the silver surface of the sharp object, making it look shiny and mesmerizing.

 

I think my eyes widened as I started to push the object towards my inner arm. The thing was a millimetre from my arm when I just fastened my action and dragged it across my slightly tanned coloured skin. The feeling of the foreign object in my arm felt weird but I wanted more. I brought the razor down next to the first hollow slit, and dragged it down my arm.

Thick blood started to line the marking. I didn't bother to stop the bleeding, but create more markings. It was only when I had created the seventh cut that realization had hit me. I blinked and saw a bloody mess all over my arm. I started to shake as I realized what I had done to myself. I quickly put my arm under the water to clean the wounds only to be welcomed by boiling hot water stinging my arm. "Fuck!!" I shouted out.

Why did I do this to myself I thought? Suddenly, the memories seeped in again and I think I nearly blacked out on the spot.

The comments of those close to me, played through my head on repeat: **"disgusting!" "eww, stay away from me you freak!".**

I couldn't breath again and needed to stop the bleeding.

 

I reached outside the shower for the white towel and pressed it onto my inner arm. I applied a lot of pressure and watched the almost new looking towel be dyed in the colour of bright red. I now knew what triggered me and it made me cry. Big ugly tears escaped my still puffy eyes and snot was running down and out of my nose.

 

15 minutes later, I had kind of calmed down and my arm had stopped bleeding. I was out of the shower cubicle and all dried of and with a towel around my waist. The bloody towel was still on my arm, but I had to clean and bandage it, so I peeled the towel of my arm to be welcomed to nasty looking markings. However, I didn't feel sad looking at my arm as creating these cuts helped released a lot of emotions, so it was kind of a blessing in disguise? I dunno...

 

Just when I had finished cleaning and bandaging my arm, I heard a familiar voice.

"Tobio, are you up there? It's mum and I need to speak with you".

It was my mum and she actually wanted to speak with me! I thought sarcastically.

I called out to, " Yeah, I'm here mum m just in the bathroom. I'll be down in a minute". My voice sounded monotone, but I didn't want to show any of my emotions to that bitch.

 

I quickly moved to my bedroom and got changed into a long sleeved navy t-shirt and black jeans. I didn't bother with any socks and put on my slippers. I quickly towel dried my hair and brushed it through with a comb without looking in the mirror, and headed downstairs.

 

**~**

 

My mum was standing in the living room, still in her smart business suit. She wore a pained expression on her face and looked up at me, as she was 2 inches shorter than me.

"Tobio, there is a few things I need to talk to you about".

I felt my heart beat race and my hands grow sweaty.

_**Why did she, a woman who doesn't want to speak or acknowledge my existence, want to talk to me?** _

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I kept to my promise and updated on a Monday, (a week on from my first upload). But I also realized that in my style of writing I prefer to keep the chapters shorter as I feel that it makes the flow of the story work better. Sorry if you was expecting a longer chapter! 
> 
> I also want to thank everyone who has been reading my story and thank everyone for getting my story to 100 hits in a week! I'm very happy and can't wait to start writing the next chapter!


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